There's no reason why August can't grow - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson

Quirky as it may sound, the “Lengthen August” movement is gathering steam among those who know that 31 days simply aren’t enough to soak up the best of summer. Their bold proposition? Lengthen August to a sprawling 62 days, allowing us to squeeze every last drop of sunshine from the season. Because, let’s face it, if there’s one month deserving of a little extra stretch, it’s the one when everything feels possible before the cold reality of fall sets in.

 

Now, we can hear the skeptics already: “But you can’t just go around changing the calendar willy-nilly!” To which we respond, why not? We live in an era where we can 3D-print organs and communicate with someone halfway around the world at the speed of light. Surely, adding a few more days to August is within our grasp.

 

Let’s consider the benefits. First, there’s the obvious perk of more summer. More time to enjoy the beach, more days to pretend you’re going to start that exercise routine, and more nights to convince yourself that one more barbecue won’t hurt. With a 62-day August, you can stretch out those lazy days into an entire extra month. Imagine the luxury of time to finish your summer reading list, or at least pretend you did when someone asks.

 

From an economic standpoint, the argument for a longer August is as solid as a sandcastle. More August means an extended tourist season, which is basically a win-win for everyone. Local economies would thrive as people flock to enjoy every last drop of what a long August has to offer. 

 

But let’s not stop at the material benefits. A 62-day August would be a boon for mental health. Studies show that sunlight boosts serotonin, the chemical in our brains that makes us feel happy. Now imagine 31 extra days of that feel-good sunshine. We’d have a nation of people so cheerful, they might even start saying “good morning” to each other unironically.

 

And what about the months we’d have to shave down to make this happen? Well, no one’s shedding a tear over November. Let’s face it: November is the Wednesday afternoon of the year - nothing good happens, and it’s just a slog to get through. By trimming November down to a more manageable 20 days, we could rid ourselves of at least one week of cold, gray, pre-holiday misery.

 

As for December, who wouldn’t want Christmas to arrive a little faster? We’ll snip a few days off the front end, so you won’t have to wait as long to get to the good stuff. Think of it as a gift-wrapped bonus round: less time fretting over gift lists and more time basking in the warm glow of holiday cheer. By the time January rolls around, you’ll be so rested and rejuvenated from your extended August that even the New Year’s resolutions will seem like a walk in the park.

 

So how do we get this ball rolling? Simple: start by celebrating “Second August” the way some cultures have second breakfasts. Let’s declare August 32nd a holiday, complete with parades, fireworks and as much sunscreen as you can slather on. With enough enthusiasm, the momentum will build, and before long, you’ll find yourself grilling burgers on August 57th without a second thought.

 

Of course, there will be those who cling to tradition, who insist that time is immutable. But where’s the fun in that? After all, time is a construct, and if we’ve learned anything from daylight savings, leap years and that one friend who’s always late, it’s that we can mold time to our liking. 

 

For those looking to take a hardline approach, we salute you. Starting at 11:59 p.m. on Aug. 31, declare a time strike. That’s right, at the stroke of midnight refuse to acknowledge September’s existence. Keep living in August like it’s the summer that never ends. Refuse to change the calendar. Keep wearing those flip-flops, and if someone mentions “back to school,” look them dead in the eye and say, “Not in my August.” Together, we can show the world that we mean business - sunny business.

 

So, as we ponder the merits of this audacious proposal, remember: life is short, but August doesn’t have to be. Let’s start a petition, rearrange our seasons and bask in a gloriously elongated summer while November whimpers in the background. Because in the end, a 62-day August is not just a calendar change - it’s a lifestyle upgrade.

 

On the cusp of this calendar revolution, let’s make one thing clear: this isn’t just about adding days to August - it’s about seizing control of our own narrative. Why should we let time dictate how much summer we get to enjoy? Let’s flip the script and remind the world that we are the architects of our own seasons. The only thing standing between us and an eternal August is a little imagination and a whole lot of sunscreen. 

 

So, here’s to a future in which summer is as long as we want it to be and the sun never has to set on the very best days of our lives.