That's not a tariff - THAT'S a tariff - Beaver Chaff with Scott Stephenson

Certainly, no one could have foreseen the tidal wave of tariffs now sweeping across Huron County. But here we are, living in a world in which Warden Jamie Heffer has enacted a series of harsh and unrelenting tariffs, and Beaver Chaff simply cannot stand idly by. The time has come for us to retaliate - not with quiet resignation, but with the full force of a tariff storm that will make Heffer’s policies look like mere child’s play. Let no one say we weren’t prepared to take action when it mattered most. It’s a simple, irrefutable formula: if one side imposes tariffs, the other must balance the ledger.

 

Our first target - no, victim - in this necessary retaliatory measure is none other than Keith Roulston. His column, From the Cluttered Desk, sits perched precariously above Beaver Chaff, tempting fate with its overflowing clutter and, we suspect, highly evasive tax strategies. Roulston’s chaotic desk, while charming in its disorder, will now be met with a clutter of tariffs so vast that not even his most impressive piles of paper can escape. If Roulston insists on cluttering our lives with insightful thoughts and good ideas, then we shall clutter his with duties, fees and levies.

 

Then there is Shawn Loughlin, whose column, Shawn’s Sense, occupies the adjacent space to the right of ours. A most convenient spot, no doubt, but one that will now come with a heavy cost. Loughlin has made a serious mistake, placing his “sense” so close to our irreverent nonsense. While we acknowledge the existence of sense in some circles, it is our firm belief that too much of it can spoil the experience. Thus, we must impose a tariff on Loughlin’s column, measured in degrees of logical inconsistency. Let it be known: every sensible word will cost him. Every line of clarity will now come with a price tag. His Shawn’s Sense will no longer be just an informative piece; it will be a revenue-generating vehicle, contributing to the Beaver Chaff coffers in ways Loughlin could never have imagined when he first set out to make sense of things.

 

Moving on, it would be remiss of us not to address the Looking Back Through the Years segment to our left. While this section might seem harmless at first glance, Beaver Chaff knows better. In reality, this nostalgic look at the past is merely an attempt to avoid the unavoidable: tariffs on everything, everywhere. We cannot, in good conscience, let such retroactive excursions go unpunished. If you wish to look back through time, you must pay for the privilege. The years may have been gentle on our wallets before, but now, thanks to Beaver Chaff tariffs, the past will come with a hefty surcharge. We are not simply looking back; we are taxing the past. Let the history books note: every glance back will be met with a levy of monumental proportions.

 

Now, the matter of Deb Sholdice, publisher of The Citizen, deserves special attention. Sholdice, with her publisher’s pen and publisher’s influence, may have thought she could escape the reach of Beaver Chaff’s tariffs. How mistaken she is. With every issue of the paper, her publishing empire is accumulating vast and unseemly wealth that must be shared with the greater good: Beaver Chaff. The tariff on Sholdice’s work will be expansive, all-encompassing and more relentless than any editorial policy she’s ever encountered. We are not simply charging a fee for the privilege of publishing; we are imposing a tax for the very act of being in charge. The publishing world is a business, and as we all know, in business, you pay your Beaver Chaff taxes.

 

And let us not forget the esteemed A Note from Betty by Betty Graber-Watson. While Graber-Watson’s musings might offer a respite from the cacophony of our world, we are afraid that even her soothing words are subject to tariff. Graber-Watson has long been a cherished figure in this community, but no one is above the law of Beaver Chaff’s tariffs. Every note, every word she pens will now come with a surcharge, because no one can claim innocence in the face of such an overwhelming tariff regime. Her sweet notes, once a balm for our tired souls, will now come with a bitter aftertaste of unrelenting fees.

 

Finally, and with the utmost seriosity, Beaver Chaff must turn its attention to all of Huron County. With Heffer’s bold imposition of tariffs, we are left with no choice but to respond in kind. No longer will the good people of Huron County enjoy the illusion of safety. Heffer may have started the tariff wars with his heavy-handed policies, but it’s time to remind him that retaliation comes swift and inevitable. Every farmer’s field, every local café, every community event will now face Beaver Chaff tariffs that will make Heffer’s rates seem modest in comparison. The ripple effects of his actions are now being felt, as Huron County braces for a financial Beaver Chaff reckoning unlike any it has known before. 

 

Look out below!