Should 'Chaff' acquaintance be forgot.... - Scott Stephenson editorial

Well, hello! Welcome to The Chaff’s look back at the year 2023. What a year it was! It began with the month of January, which arrived on the heels of December 2022. January was, of course, followed by February, March and April, and then May took over. Fun fact - the month of May uses the fewest letters of any of the months. Feel free to share this delightful piece of trivia with all of your friends and family at holiday mixers with Yuletide elixirs. May then passed the torch to June, which yielded to July, followed by August. September, October and November lined up to take their turns, bringing us to December, a.k.a. right now!

 

This concludes The Chaff’s 2023 year in review, a year The Chaff won’t soon forget.

 

It’s time to forget about 2023 forever and move onto 2024. You mean nothing to us 2023! The year 2024 is guaranteed to be a wild ride and we here at The Chaff are unbuckling our seat belts and removing our safety harnesses to get the full 2024 experience. It’s going to be dangerous, difficult and downright ugly but there’s nothing we can do but enjoy. Show us what you got, 2024! Do your worst!

 

We received a mysterious Christmas gift from a lovely, thoughtful and haggard old witch - a crystal ball! When she gave it to us she said something like, “I curse you, The Chaff. I curse you and every tragic soul who reads The Chaff. This is not a Christmas gift, this is eternal damnation.” Then she cackled and disappeared into a cloud of fog. It’s hard not to get swept up into the spirit of the season when you receive this kind of kindly Christmas kindness. Merry Christmas to you too, witch!

 

We couldn’t wait to open the gift to start gazing into the crystal ball, so we didn’t! We ripped apart the wrapping paper like rabid raccoons and laid our frenzied eyes upon what we’d found. Its details are simply exquisite and it was obviously created by an expert craftsman of the dark arts. Hands down, it is one of the finest gifts we’ve ever received.

 

With the help of our new crystal ball (it actually seems like it’s extremely old, but it’s new to us) we are going to look ahead into the year 2024 and see what is definitely, for sure, absolutely, guaranteed to happen next year, seriously! Has The Chaff ever misled you before? No! And that’s the truth.

 

There’s a lot of anxiety out there about climate change, but according to the crystal ball, we should worry no longer. Turns out the climate has just been going through a tough time lately but it’s started seeing a therapist and has worked out all of the issues it’s been dealing with since its childhood, many millions of years ago. The climate has felt threatened by humans ever since we were introduced onto the planet. All of the forest fires, flooding, extreme heat and extended droughts were simply the manifestation of the climate’s anxiety about what it calls “Human Change”. In 2024, humans and the climate will join together in harmony and everything is going to be totally fine. In fact, in the summer of 2024, humans and the climate will join a recreational mixed-doubles tennis league together. Spoiler alert - the dynamic duo will end their season in third place. Ace!

 

Politics is an ugly business and, according to the crystal ball, 2024 is going to be absolutely hideous! Here in Canada, tension between Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Leader of the Official Opposition Pierre Poilievre will reach intense, and surprisingly erotic, new heights. In a heated exchange during Question Period, Trudeau and Poilievre, both seething with what can only be described as a lustful hatred for one and other, engage in a physical confrontation in the middle of the House of Commons. At first, it seems like they are fighting, but things quickly become more amorous, shocking everyone present. Things take an even stranger turn when somehow Trudeau and Poilievre merge into a single monstrous entity. “Carbon Tax the Axe” the creature screams. “I am Prime Opposition Minister Leader, Justierre Trulievre! Give me your children! I will destroy you all!” 

 

Speaker of the House Greg Fergus attempts to call for order but is devoured by the Right Honourable Monster Mash reigning terror and destruction over the heart of Canadian democracy. NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh, equipped with a sword, heroically confronts the beast but is unable to stop the creature from wreaking havoc in the House. Huron-Bruce MP Ben Lobb goes unnoticed in the back benches.

 

South of the border, Donald Trump is re-elected President of the United States, effectively ending American democracy. On his first day in office, Trump orders the military to invade Canada. Trulievre is captured and caged and the process of piping the Great Lakes down to the southwestern states begins. It’s actually quite similar to the film Mad Max: Fury Road. 

 

These were the only predictions offered up before the witch’s gift exploded, causing extensive damage to The Chaff’s office.
From everyone here at The Chaff, Chaffy holidays one and all!