Pert near a genius - Shawn's Sense with Shawn Loughlin

Last week, you will have read, I was shortlisted for the Better Newspapers Award for Best Rural Story by the Ontario Community Newspapers Association. This is quite an honour. It’s a province-wide award (meaning that I was judged alongside those from bigger newspapers) and now we just have to see if I place first, second or third.

 

First, I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank the Lord and Saviour of the piece, Wayne Caldwell - a genius who provided nearly all of the content through his research and our conversation.

 

But, today, we’re not talking about Wayne, we’re talking about me. Born in Scarborough, raised in Pickering, an urban centre transplant to Huron County in 2006, I have now arrived.

 

That’s right. Anyone who read that story in the May 26 issue of The Citizen was a witness to me arriving as a rural person. What follows is a list of changes being implemented.

 

• Readers, residents and anyone, really, can no longer tell me that I wouldn’t understand something because I didn’t grow up here, work on a farm, etc. I am rural Ontario. I’m a farmer. I might even be the farm itself.

 

• Jokes about me not being able to handle the snow/cold here are forbidden and will be met with hostility. A mere mention of Mel Lastman calling in the army to shovel snow will result in you being punched in the face by me.

 

• I used to joke with Jess that I refused to wear flannel shirts with snap buttons to farm-oriented things because I didn’t want people to think I knew about farming. That moratorium is over. I will wear those shirts and if you ask me about the status of things like crops, the harvest, maple syrup weather or beef prices, expect an accurate, insightful answer.

 

• “Mile and a quarter” will replace “blocks” when discussing roads, while short distances will be measures in rods. Also, expect to hear “pert near” a lot; pert near every hour or so.

 

• How I communicate and my references will both change. I will, henceforth, never use the name of a road again when offering you directions. Where to turn will be indicated by obscure landmarks with a historical context no more recent than 50 years. On that note, homes and farms will be identified through whoever used to own them. Lastly, in the unlikely event that I absolutely must identify a road, it will be like “the Fifth of Morris” - no current names.

 

• I might get a snowmobile, side-by-side or ATV or all three. That’s still to be determined, but, as a rural Ontarian, it’s my right to do so.

 

• As a certified rural Ontarian, I will either read The Farmer’s Almanac or not read it as I see fit. The reason for not reading it, of course, would be that I already know all its contents.

 

• On the topic of reading, my bookshelves will be full of local township history books whose contents I will know mostly by heart. My current cookbook collection will be replaced with cookbooks from Huron County-based homecomings, IPMs, churches, etc.

 

• I will, immediately, begin expanding my freezer space at the house. This will allow for the implementation of new meat-purchasing practices. Meat from smaller animals, such as chickens, will be purchased as whole animals. Other, larger animals will come in halves. 

 

• The great freezer space expansion could open the door to another rural Ontario rite de passage: Hunting. (We’ll see on that one.)

 

Another thing being overlooked here is that my other nomination (best business/finance story) is for a story about a true boots-in-the-dirt farming operation. You know what? It might be high time that I make jokes about you all for not being rural enough. Seriously, how do you even look at yourselves in the mirror?