'Chaff' kind of razzmatazz, Chicago is - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson

Tally-ho! Salutations, congratulations and laudations abound to all the Chaff-fans and wheat-freaks fortuitous enough to be reading a very special edition of The Chaff! The original plan for this week’s Chaffings was a hard-hitting exposé on the tawdry, bawdy world of underground giraffe boxing - but, as they say, the best laid Chaffs of chaff and men can often go awry.

 

We were on a research trip to Montana, which, as we all know, is the giraffe boxing capital of the world - that’s why they call it “Big Neck Country”. When the bout between the Stretchy Strangler and the Skyline Slugger (two truly towering titans of the sport) went into extra rounds, we were forced to switch our plane trip home to a slightly later flight, which was then delayed, causing the entire creative team that brings this column to life each week to miss its connecting flight, stranding us for 24 hours in one of the most culturally rich neighbourhoods (or neighborhoods, if you will) in all of America - Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. With all of our meticulous research and hours of giraffe battle footage already sent ahead to the lush and sprawling tarmacs of Canada, we found ourselves without a quaffable Chaffable with which the thought-thirsty masses of Huron County could quench their mental drought.

 

Luckily for us, our Head of Research Dervid Hamson can weave a glorious golden Chaff basket out of even the lowliest informational straw, and he selflessly spent our Sutherland’s minute at O’Hare compiling a list of fun facts that our readers might not know about the great city of Chicago, that bustling beacon of hope so brimming with hot Italian beef that the fish in Lake Michigan are known to be some of the spiciest in the world. So, please enjoy this plethora of pleasing particulars about the City that Sleeps at Night.

 

1. Buildings! Once home to the world’s smallest skyscrapers, Chicago’s architectural awesomeness still never fails to delight. The Chicago skyline sings with stunning structures. There’s stately Concourse A, the brutally modern Concourse B, and what more could we say about Concourse C beyond, simply, “bellissimo”. It seems like Chicago may even have additional Concourses beyond the Big Three, but no human being has ever ventured to those unknown lands.

 

2. Pizza! Chicago is well-known for having some of the thinnest pizza in the world. These unique, floppy pies are sometimes rolled out so thin that it appears that the toppings are hovering in mid air above an inexplicably greasy paper plate. Real Chi-town residents typically consume Chicago-style pizza by rolling it up into a tube and smoking it, cigar style.

 

3. Transportation! Handling multitudinous millions of passengers every year, Chicago is a crucial conduit when it comes to taking some guy from some place and getting him to some other place. This absolutely bustling behemoth of a transportational hub 
is one of the only places in the world that has more planes than it has cars. Nobody knows where these majestic monsters of 
the sky come from, but just seeing these noble creatures taxi on a runway is well worth the price of a trip to Chicago.

 

4. Parades! Every day, Chicago has an endlessly entertaining parade of tired people wearing sweatpants trudging back and forth from terminal to terminal, dragging their worldly possessions in tiny wheeled chariots. Those with a particularly high status in society often use the city’s glorious moving sidewalk or escalating stairs to indicate their important place in society. Truly a sight to behold!

 

5. Cultural Melting Pot! Chicago is full of undulating lightwalls, murals of mythical zoo animals, pop art displays of grab-and-go sandwiches and undulating light ceilings. All the music fans out there will love the music scene in Chicago - it’s just one, long, instrumental piece that has neither a beginning, middle nor an end. Try it with the undulating lights!

 

6. Vending Machines! Chicago has a vending machine every 15 feet. Some of them have inflatable neck pillows, some of them have Airpods, some of them are empty, and occasionally, they have salad in them. As you approach one of these depositories of history, let your imagination run wild as you ask yourself “what will be in this one?” Quick bonus tip - it will never be chips!

 

So there you have it, Chaff fans - everything there is to know about the great state of Chicago! From tiny towers to cultural treasures, the “Windless City” never fails to captivate with its kaleidoscopic kaleidoscope of earthly and heavenly delights. Whether traversing, tasting, touching or talking about it, the rich cultural tapestry of Chicago has to be seen to be believed. 
It’s a ceaselessly captivating melting pot of hot dogs topped with sport peppers and jet fuel!