Blocks beware! You're about to be busted - The Chaff with Scott Stephenson

Whoopsies! The Chaff has gotten itself into a bit of a dangerous situation this week. We were supposed to be writing an insightful column about an issue that is relevant to the community - what we're known for - but instead, we started watching the 1994 action-packed classic Keanu Reeves film Speed. While fully engrossed by the three-decades-old Sandra Bullock blockbuster, a Dennis Hopper-esque terrorist rigged The Chaff to explode if our readers read fewer than 50 words an hour, or stop reading it altogether. Whatever you do, don’t stop reading or we are all going to go KABLAMO!

 

First of all - don’t panic. If you start panicking, then we’ll start panicking. If we start panicking, then none of this will make any sense and then some of our readers may start to lose patience. The Chaff prides itself on always making perfect sense, so, for the love of gourds, keep reading!

 

The Chaff may not have the captivating star power of Reeves, Bullock, Hopper, Jeff Daniels, or even character actor Alan Ruck, but what we do have is local reporter and failed child actor Scott Stephenson. Although Stephenson amounts to next-to-nothing, next-to-nothing is not nothing, and that’s not nothing. For any of our readers with a Disney+ subscription, check out the turn-of-the-century bowling comedy gutterball Alley Cats Strike to see Stephenson’s uninspiring turn as Bobby Nagurski (credited as Booth Stephenson). His bit-part performance is nothing special, but at least a young Kaley Cuoco from The Big Bang Theory is there too.

 

We’ve just received a warning that up ahead in this column, a segment of the writing is under construction and there is a gap in the prose. Our only option is to accelerate and attempt to jump over the breach. As stated, The Chaff prides itself on always making perfect sense, and this is the only sensible option we have in this scenario. Hold onto your hatches and batten-down your hats. We are now going sofastthatthereisnotimeforspacesbetweenwords!Herecomesthejumpnow….

 

 

 

…Phew! We made it, but just barely. It will probably be smooth sailing for us until we get to the end of this week’s Chaff. We just need to keep it steady, continue writing, so you can keep reading, and we’ll all get through this safely, together. Simple!
Uh-oh… one thing we didn’t consider is writer’s block. We thought doing this half-baked parody of the movie Speed would be easy, but now that we’ve introduced the concept and used the “gap jumping” gimmick, we’re pretty much out of ideas.
Pop-quiz, hot shot! How else can we incorporate ideas from the movie Speed into this Chaff?

 

Oh, here’s a thought - SPOILER ALERT - in the movie, the heroes loop a video feed that the villainous character, played by Hopper, is using to observe his victims on the bus. That’s how they are able to successfully evacuate everyone safely without the bad guy’s knowledge. Perhaps looping might work here too.

 

…Phew! We made it, but just barely. It will probably be smooth sailing for us until we get to the end of this week’s Chaff. We just need to keep it steady, continue writing, so you can keep reading, and we’ll all get through this safely, together. Simple!
Pop-quiz, hot shot! Did it work? It seems like it didn’t because it’s still ongoing. Darn!

 

Bullock’s character in Speed is integral to keeping the bus driving safely. We know that we don’t have access to Oscar-winning actor Bullock, but we do have someone that may actually be even better - the Sandra Bullock of The Citizen office, editor Shawn Loughlin. It’s Shawn’s job to make sure the wheels of The Citizen bus don’t fall off, so it’s worth a shot. Some may argue that The Citizen wheels did start falling off when Loughlin authorized The Chaff in the first place, but those voices must be ignored. As Taylor Swift once said, “Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,” and she’s the voice of a generation. We’re going to be just fine!

 

The climactic scene of the movie takes place on a subway train. Hmmmm, there aren’t really any subways around these parts, so it will have to be a metaphorical train - The Blyth Festival - an unstoppable train of Canadian theatre. As the Festival builds momentum for its 50th anniversary season, it is the perfect force to knock the head off of our antagonist, which seems to be this Speed parody Chaff itself. Yeah, that makes sense! This Chaff is the villain who rigged this Chaff to explode. What a twist! 
So that’s it. Check out The Citizen’s special Blyth Festival preview that arrived with this paper. Be sure to thank it for knocking the head off The Chaff!

 

Also, watch out for the sequel to this parody: Speed 2: Chaff Control!