A night at the movies with 'The Chaff' - Scott Stephenson editorial

Welcome back to The Chaff, your weekly wander within the wildly wanton and wonderfully whimsical world of wasting time and patience. Summer is here and that means it’s summer movie time. Cinema houses across the nation are being packed to the brim with movie-hooligans looking to get their jollies at the picture show. To give you an idea of what’s in store for the big screen this big summer, we’re taking a Siskelian and Ebertonian look at the Chaff-ing attractions that are coming to theatres, like it or not!

 

Chip’s Frat Heritage (PG13, July 7)
Chip’s Frat Heritage is a lively animated film about Chip, a mischievous chipmunk determined to join the rowdiest fraternity in the forest: Nutta Delta. Through his wild fraternity adventures, Chip discovers the importance of his chipmunk heritage, 
learning about nut gathering, teamwork and ancestral wisdom. With newfound knowledge, Chip leads his fraternity brothers in making a positive impact on their chipmunk community and forest home. This heartwarming and comedic journey celebrates frat life and the significance of cultural heritage.

 

The Monotonous Mission (R, July 21)
The Monotonous Mission is a slow-paced film that explores the realm of tedium. A group of ordinary agents is assigned to guard an uninteresting briefcase during an excruciatingly dull corporate conference. Unbeknownst to them, the case contains mildly important documents that could potentially disrupt a somewhat influential crime syndicate. With no adrenaline in sight, they navigate through uneventful encounters with competing spies, questionable double agents and an assassin with a moderate work ethic. Prepare yourself for a mundane journey filled with predictability, minimal excitement and the realization that even the dullest of tasks can lead to an averagely satisfying outcome.

 

Prison’s Embrace (NC-17, July 28)
Prison’s Embrace is a thrilling drama that follows Alex Turner, a dissatisfied individual seeking liberation from his mundane life. To break free from the chains of routine, Alex devises a daring plan to infiltrate a maximum-security prison. Through unexpected friendships and perilous encounters, he explores the true meaning of freedom and confronts the consequences of his actions. Will his audacious escape lead to the liberation he seeks, or will it end in disaster, trapping him forever in his choices?

 

The Donkey’s Journey (AA, August 18)
The Donkey’s Journey is an incredibly 
long and very, very boring film that follows the monotonous life of Jasper, an underprivileged donkey residing in a neglected stable. Jasper’s uneventful existence takes an unexpected turn when he discovers a hidden talent for racing. With the help of a compassionate young girl and a group of misfit animals, he defies societal expectations to compete in the prestigious “Golden Hooves Derby”. Brace yourself for a slow-paced tale of perseverance, friendship and the indomitable human-animal bond that will test your patience like never before.

 

Donkey’s Journey 2: Ass Out! (R, August 25)
Hold on tight for a wild and exhilarating ride in Donkey’s Journey 2: Ass Out! In this highly-anticipated sequel, Jasper the donkey, now a famous racing star, faces a new adventure that takes him to extraordinary places. A mysterious prophecy reveals a hidden treasure guarded by mythical creatures. Joined by an eccentric team of animal misfits, Jasper embarks on a thrilling quest filled with high-speed chases, epic battles and unexpected twists. Get ready for a wild ride packed with humour, adrenaline and jaw-dropping moments that will leave you begging for more. This sequel is a whirlwind of excitement that surpasses all expectations!

 

Ageless Champions (PG13, August 25)
Ageless Champions is an awe-inspiring sports drama directed by Clint Eastwood. The film tells the incredible true story of a group of nonagenarian men who defy all expectations by earning a spot to play in the World Series. With an average age of 90, these remarkable individuals demonstrate unwavering determination and a lifelong love for the game. As they face professional athletes one-third their age, the film explores themes of resilience, camaraderie and the enduring spirit of competition. Ageless Champions is a true testament to the human spirit's ability to overcome obstacles and achieve greatness, regardless of age.

This incredible crop of summer films will certainly replace all previous classic films, turning Citizen Kane into Citizen LAME, Casablanca into Casab-LAME-ca, and The Godfather into The Godfather Part III. 

 

And that’s a wrap! We’re so excited for the upcoming movie season that our heads are about to pop off! Get ready for laughter, tears and edge-of-your-seat thrills. So mark those calendars, grab your popcorn and let the movie season begin!